


despair

by eerian_sadow



Series: Avalon [33]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Angst., Grief, M/M, Mentions of canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-27
Updated: 2009-07-02
Packaged: 2018-09-18 23:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9406748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eerian_sadow/pseuds/eerian_sadow
Summary: After the death of Optimus Prime, the rise of Rodimus Prime and Unicron, Skyfire finds out what happened to Starscream. He was not prepared.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this off and on at work for the last several days but making little progress. i'm kind of hoping that i'll motivate myself to get it finished by posting, but we'll see how that goes.

_It occurred to them, after the fact, that they should have made certain Skyfire heard the news directly before he heard about Starscream’s death through the gossip chain. But no one was thinking particularly clearly after the battle with Unicron, and most of the mechs who would have thought to tell him were deactivated themselves._

Skyfire stepped into the temporary building that housed the commissary with a limp. There had been several Human scientists visiting his lab when the Decepticons attacked Autobot City and he had sustained more than a few injuries while transporting them to safety. The Humans had all survived and First Aid had done what repairs he could, but they didn’t have enough supplies for anything besides major injuries. Skyfire would be grounded and limping until his self repair systems could take care of the rest of the damage.

He didn’t mind terribly; so many mechs were much more injured than he was.

He glanced around the commissary, looking for Jazz and Perceptor. He saw several bots he knew, but not the saboteur or the other scientist. Skyfire sighed. He had wanted to know how they were doing, but Jazz and Perceptor were both being very solitary in their grieving.

Skyfire made his way carefully across the room, greeting the bots he knew as he walked. Most of them returned his greetings, but their smiles were forced and their enthusiasm definitely faked. They were a broken group of mechs, weighed down by depression caused by too much loss in to short a time. He didn’t feel slighted or insulted; he understood their need to grieve.

The energon was slightly discolored when he retrieved his cube, a sure sign that their converter was damaged. He took his share without complaining about the impurities; he knew how to repair an energon converter and would do so after he refueled, since it was unlikely that anyone else would be able to work on it any time soon.

The scientist was facing the rest of the room, considering his potential refueling companions, when he overheard a stray bit of gossip.

“So, have you heard anything about those defectors that Ultra Magnus brought in the other day?” Skyfire didn’t recognize the speaker’s voice, but that wasn’t surprising considering how few of Ultra Magnus’ troops he had gotten to know.

“Heard they switched sides after what Galvatron did to Starscream.” Another unfamiliar voice, but they had his full attention now. Despite himself, he was always eager for news of Starscream.

“What happened to Starscream?” Skyfire heard himself asking, dreading the answer and needing to know at the same time.

The gossiping mech turned to look at him with surprise. “You mean you haven’t heard?” the first mech asked.

“No. I’ve been in medical.”

“Galvatron…he…” the second mech stopped, trying to find words. Looking at his slightly horrified expression, Skyfire wasn’t sure he wanted to know anymore.

“He disintegrated him,” the first mech said quickly. “I saw the footage that one of the spies brought in and it was not pretty.”

Skyfire wasn’t entirely aware of the energon cube slipping from his fingers as he processed the news. _He disintegrated him_ echoed through his thoughts, and he thought his spark might go out from sudden, overwhelming grief. He hadn’t thought he still loved Starscream so much.

He was vaguely aware of shouts and grasping hands as his processor crashed and he fell to the floor.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this should have been finished yesterday, but Skyfire got quiet on me. (probably drowned out by movieverse Blaster and Sunstreaker, who have been clamoring for my attention for the last week) i'm actually very pleased with how it came out. it's a little disjointed and gets rambly, which is exactly what i wanted--and portrays Skyfire's current mental state perfectly. i am most pleased.

Seven Earth days since he had gotten the news and he still couldn't get rid of the feeling of being gutted--couldn’t shake the feeling that part of his spark was missing now. He wished for some kind of numbness-- _anything_ to make his horrible sparkache go away--but not even getting overcharged until he couldn’t stand had made a difference.

Starscream was still dead.

It was confusing, how strongly he still felt for the other mech, especially since he abhorred what the other scientist had become. He thought he had moved on after leaving Starscream and his new--to Skyfire--beliefs to the Decepticons. He had made friends among the Autobots and been more than happy to use his skills to promote life and growth in the name of their cause. He had enjoyed getting to know the Humans on both personal and professional levels. He had become truly happy in his life, even if he and Star were on opposite sides of a war that showed no signs of ending in their lifetimes.

And if he thought of Starscream often--usually fondly--he was certain that was to be expected; a mech did not just forget his first lover so easily. He had certainly never thought that he still loved the Seeker, though; Starscream had done too much to abuse his trust.

He couldn’t understand himself, couldn’t understand how he could both love Starscream and hate everything the other mech believed in with equal passion. He couldn’t even begin to move past his grief until he knew where it was coming from.

“Skyfire?” First Aid, sounding horribly exhausted.

“You should rest,” the scientist replied.

The young mech really should. He was going to work himself into stasis if he didn’t slow down, but he refused to rest until he had looked in on all his patients at the end of his shift.

“I’m on my way now. I just wanted to make sure you were all right first.”

Skyfire suppressed a sigh, not wanting to worry or offend the medic. First Aid really did care--too much perhaps--and was doing all he could to help him. “I’m as fine as I can be.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Fifteen days since he received the news and nothing in his mind had changed. He was still lost, confused and broken. The pitying--or scornful, occasionally--looks he was receiving from his fellow Autobots did nothing to help him; in some cases, they only hurt more. He was doing his best to come to terms, but without someone to give him support, to remind him that they cared and didn’t judge him for his associations with Starscream, he wasn’t doing very well.

Skyfire wasn’t sure he would ever really come to terms.

He had picked through the ruins of his lab the day before, finding what notes and half-finished projects he could salvage. What could be saved was tucked carefully into a storage crate and left for Perceptor, should the other scientist continue to survive the passing of his bondmates, to use for his own research. Even if he wasn’t around, he wanted to contribute in some way to their race’s continued survival.

His exploration kit had somehow survived all the years in the ice and he had never bothered to remove it from his subspace. It would serve him well in the near future, as he made a place for himself somewhere far from his people and their endless war.

Part of him ached at the thought of leaving, but he couldn’t stand to stay any longer. The pity was too much for him to handle, the accusation to harsh and his own mind too much of a jumble. Perhaps in solitude he could finally find his answers.

He waited until full dark to go, when the sentries were at their most lax and the humans in their camp were sleeping. He didn’t even stop to say goodbye to Perceptor or First Aid before he left.

The stars welcomed him when he breached the atmosphere. They didn’t pity or judge, and Skyfire thought he might finally be able to find peace.  



End file.
